Window into the crazy life...last week was a whirlpool of "say what?" moments
This last week was one of those weeks where you look back and just wonder
a. how did I survive
b. what the hell was going on
c. did I go crazy
d. well now I know where the gray in my hair comes from.
Lucas had some "stomach" issues that required I hazmat up, clean his room and try not to hurl while I did it. So as not to embarrass him too much, I will leave it at that was one of those moments I NEVER want to live again. It is one of those things that is tied up in having autism, having a diet that tends to be pretty restrictive and being a gross male all at the same time. I have to say my hubby must love me. He forced me to call out sick, stayed with me and helped me deal with the mess that seems to be everywhere.
Super grateful for those I work with. My management team was understanding and so sweet about my needing to call out. Where I worked before that would have not gone over nearly as well.
I was reading over at the Autism Daddy website, and realized that I used to be one of those moms who said I wouldn't change my autistic child because he is a gift. I still think he is a gift, I just wonder if I will ever get through the layers of onion that cover that gem within. I can't say I wouldn't change him, because there are behavioral issues that I just want to be rid of. I love this boy with all I am, but dang some times I really wish I could run away and take my time strolling back. I look back over a poem I wrote when he was tiny and wonder at how lost I felt at that moment. I sometimes still feel that lost, like a ship being tossed by the waves, yet, there are moments when the clouds start to break...I have to keep focusing on those moments and looking forward.
a. how did I survive
b. what the hell was going on
c. did I go crazy
d. well now I know where the gray in my hair comes from.
Lucas had some "stomach" issues that required I hazmat up, clean his room and try not to hurl while I did it. So as not to embarrass him too much, I will leave it at that was one of those moments I NEVER want to live again. It is one of those things that is tied up in having autism, having a diet that tends to be pretty restrictive and being a gross male all at the same time. I have to say my hubby must love me. He forced me to call out sick, stayed with me and helped me deal with the mess that seems to be everywhere.
Super grateful for those I work with. My management team was understanding and so sweet about my needing to call out. Where I worked before that would have not gone over nearly as well.
I was reading over at the Autism Daddy website, and realized that I used to be one of those moms who said I wouldn't change my autistic child because he is a gift. I still think he is a gift, I just wonder if I will ever get through the layers of onion that cover that gem within. I can't say I wouldn't change him, because there are behavioral issues that I just want to be rid of. I love this boy with all I am, but dang some times I really wish I could run away and take my time strolling back. I look back over a poem I wrote when he was tiny and wonder at how lost I felt at that moment. I sometimes still feel that lost, like a ship being tossed by the waves, yet, there are moments when the clouds start to break...I have to keep focusing on those moments and looking forward.
autism
Often I sit here and wonder how I got to this place.
How did I get to this time, this date?
How did it get to be more then I could handle?
How do I carry on when I don't think I can?
Why,and how? These are my questions
How could this happen to me?
Why does this happen to anyone?
Autism is such a silent demon.
Why and how does it strike?
How is it that my perfect son was cursed by this?
Why would god let this happen to us?
I know everything happens for a reason,
I know everything will work out,
Yet I can not see the shore on the other side,
All around me all i see is water.
I am floating on an ocean of pain,
And don't know how to find dry land again.
Each time I look at that perfect face,
I realize that I am blessed,
And yet at the same time I see the curse,
He is a perfect angel and a demon at the same time.
He is sweet and loving,
He is full of anger and pain.
How do I deal with this disorder?
I can't just give him a pill to make it go away,
I can't just kiss him and make it better.
How do I reach him in his fortress?
The walls are built upon himself,
He is unreachable to me in alldirections ,
The only thing I can to is try to teach him to be strong,
Teach him to be kind, and how to handle all the difficulties ahead.
I don't know how to do it,
All I can do is look to God,
And topray for strength and for patience.
God knows patience is the key to it all.
I guess I have to remember that every time he hurts me.
Love is kind,love is strong, and love does not judge.
If I can be strong,then maybe,
Just maybe with Gods help I can breach the walls of pain
That this thing called autism has built.
How did I get to this time, this date?
How did it get to be more then I could handle?
How do I carry on when I don't think I can?
Why,and how? These are my questions
How could this happen to me?
Why does this happen to anyone?
Why and how does it strike?
How is it that my perfect son was cursed by this?
Why would god let this happen to us?
I know everything happens for a reason,
I know everything will work out,
Yet I can not see the shore on the other side,
All around me all i see is water.
I am floating on an ocean of pain,
And don't know how to find dry land again.
Each time I look at that perfect face,
I realize that I am blessed,
And yet at the same time I see the curse,
He is a perfect angel and a demon at the same time.
He is sweet and loving,
He is full of anger and pain.
How do I deal with this disorder?
I can't just give him a pill to make it go away,
I can't just kiss him and make it better.
How do I reach him in his fortress?
The walls are built upon himself,
He is unreachable to me in all
The only thing I can to is try to teach him to be strong,
Teach him to be kind, and how to handle all the difficulties ahead.
I don't know how to do it,
All I can do is look to God,
And to
God knows patience is the key to it all.
I guess I have to remember that every time he hurts me.
Love is kind,love is strong, and love does not judge.
If I can be strong,then maybe,
Just maybe with Gods help I can breach the walls of pain
That this thing called autism has built.
The most important thing for me, for all of us, is to remember that we have a community we can look to, lean upon, learn from and embrace when the whirlpool of autism is pulling us.
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