New Doctor

Well apparently I was meant to totally rewrite this post. We were sitting at the new psychologists office and i started the post but got called in to talk to the doctor. We have been having issues with Lucas and they keep getting worse. He is rude and defiant, and yells at me constantly. He tells people that I am the meanest mom in the world. I have reached a point where I question my ability as a parent. I keep hearing comments like God will never give you more than you can handle, or let go and let God....and i try but I have to wonder why he thinks i can keep truckin along.

One of the things the doctor said was to remember that Lucas has a low self esteem, and that he tends to respond with anger. We need to be more aware of how he is feeling.

I am here for the long haul, and will always fight for my baby.....but I need to make sure to take time for me and remember to recharge my batteries or I can't support him on this road...knees get ready, gonna need to spend more time praying so I can remember to be loving....

I know .. sometimes it seem like an over-share..but this is how I heal so this where I share..posting an old poem I wrote when he was first diagnosed....good reminder of where we have come from

autism

Often I sit here and wonder how I got to this place. 

How did I get to this time, this date? 

How did it get to be more then I could handle? 

How do I carry on when I don't think I can? 

Why,and how? These are my questions 

How could this happen to me? 

Why does this happen to anyone? 

Autism is such a silent demon. 

Why and how does it strike? 

How is it that my perfect son was cursed by this? 

Why would god let this happen to us? 

I know everything happens for a reason, 

I know everything will work out, 

Yet I can not see the shore on the other side, 

All around me all i see is water. 

I am floating on an ocean of pain, 

And don't know how to find dry land again. 

Each time I look at that perfect face, 

I realize that I am blessed, 

And yet at the same time I see the curse, 

He is a perfect angel and a demon at the same time. 

He is sweet and loving, 

He is full of anger and pain. 

How do I deal with this disorder? 

I can't just give him a pill to make it go away, 

I can't just kiss him and make it better. 

How do I reach him in his fortress? 

The walls are built upon himself, 

He is unreachable to me in all directions, 

The only thing I can to is try to teach him to be strong, 

Teach him to be kind, and how to handle all the difficulties ahead. 

I don't know how to do it, 

All I can do is look to God, 

And to pray for strength and for patience. 

God knows patience is the key to it all. 

I guess I have to remember that every time he hurts me. 

Love is kind,love is strong, and love does not judge.       

If I can be strong,then maybe, 

Just maybe with Gods help I can breach the walls of pain 

That this thing called autism has built.

Michelle Rathswohl