Feels like my doggy paddling is almost working

Its so funny. I sit here as a parent, yet again wondering if all I do will ever be enough. Why us, why do we get to parent him? Why do I keep messing it up? How can I expect him to become this or that? How do I trust that we will get through this sane and happy?

You know, something I have realized recently is that I don't know. I can't answer all the questions. My brain hurts even when I just try. My heart feels like it is a cracked mirror, that will never go back together.

I know so much of my parenting knowledge comes from watching my own parents. Mom wasn't perfect. She only seemed to see my Dad's good parts, not his bad. For me it totally different. I struggle to see he had good. I still respond like that broken little girl he used and abused. I guess one blessing he gave me, besides helping to create me, is that I know my faults and flaws. Because he was an alcoholic, my control issues prevent from drinking when I crave it. I will never lose control and let that demon control me.  He hurt me in ways I struggle to share, the scars are ever present. However, I find some strange measure in that, those scars have helped to shape who I am.

Wow. I started this post thinking about my struggles parenting... And it has grown to more. I don't think we ever know what the past has meant until we struggle with the present. My fears as a parent stem from seeing my parents mistakes. I don't want to fail my kids. I need them to understand no matter what they can come to me. Nothing and no one is as important.they are these amazing gifts from God.

Lucas drives me nuts. But then I see these glimpses of the man within. His autism is part of him and makes him who he is and who he will be.  Logan is a pain in the neck and a drama queen, but watching her with her little cousins, she is going to be a great mommy one day....I guess maybe God does know what he is doing after all.